3.7.20 feels like im too much for everyone but also not enough for anyone.i just feel completely inadequate in every area of my life.im convinced everyome hates me.actually,hate is too strong a feeling.im too boring for anyone to hate.people ignore me,and they should because im not worth thinking about at all,really.
2.2.20 i feel like ive been struck by lightening.in a good way.i just want to do a million things.think im finally gonna get this website in order and then maybe learn to rollerskate?
1.30.20 its 2020! leave it to me to not update this for a month,this is not the best way to start the year.honestly the new year didnt feel like a start to anything.im kind of stuck waiting for my ged (or task,which is what they call it now) test results.i dont think i wrote in here about the classes i took at all but thats because its so mundane,,but they were such a source of anxiety for me.i cant stand not being good at something so i found myself crying in math class a lot.and crying on the train a lot,but that might be because there's so much frank ocean on my playlist.but anyway,my results might not come in for another two weeks and its honestly like torture.like pretty please just tell me if i failed or not.
12.8.19 last month went by in a blur.an anxiety-filled blur.i dont remember much of it.lately i cant seem to get a grasp on anything.my thoughts are all half-formed.i actually came on here with something to write about but i cant articulate it.maybe i will later.its not like im just going to stop thinking about it.
10.5.19 how am i supposed to feel now? my head feels like it spinning all the time.
9.21.19 being nervous all the time is very,very tiring
8.17.19 ive gone from loving you to hating you and back wish i could just behave like a normal person.cool and aloof,detached,apathetic.its so hard,being the girl you want me to be. how do you submit yourself to someone you dont care about? when im getting dressed to see you should i think about how i'll look in your eyes? or should i not care at all..you have no problem with me bending over backwards to please you but god forbid i let it slip that i do these things because i care
7.24.19 july has very been bittersweet.summer is so beautiful but i havent done much at all.just sitting in my room,listing to frank ocean and wishing i was somewhere else.i kind of feel like this diary is the only place where i can really express myself,maybe i should use it more
7.2.19. im obessed with repetition.i look for patterns in everything.i scour through my memories looking for something constant,something solid.but nothing is.i have no home,no real identity.
6.27.19 im so tired.everything makes me cry.i feel like i cant talk to anyone about anything because they'll use it to make fun of me down the line.its like im not allowed to have feelings at all...cry in front of someone once and you're a crybaby forever no matter how many times they cry in front of you.its fucked up.
6.15.19 brooklyn in the summer is the most beautiful place on earth. the summer breeze swipping through the trees,people playing music in the street,kids on bikes and mr.softee trucks,golden hour light reflecting off apartment windows. i never want it to end!
6.10.19. lately i feel like im not supposed to be here at all.like im half-dreaming all the time.like im not real and neither is anything around me.
5.24.19 He's been running through my daydreams all week.i just want to see him.and touch him and kiss him and look into his big blue eyes and never look away.
5.20.19 writing on here still feels very strange.its kind of weird knowing strangers from all around the world will be reading my diary.the only thing that makes me feel better about it is that im not very popular
5.14.19 um i feel weird making this page public because it still feels unfinished somehow.and its a lil wonky. im very new to coding so this is the best i can do at the moment.but here it is! my diary.i hope i remember to update this semi-regularly. i feel like everyones diary i look at on here says that they havent updated in a while lol